Alone, Together: Finding Community in NYC
Alone, Together: Finding Community in NYC
What’s it mean to find belonging in a city of over 8 million people? And what’s it look like to belong to oneself amidst the chaos?
This post is by two New Yorkers with different profiles: Allie is single, runs events for a living, writes stories by allie, and identifies as *highly* extroverted—which means she gets a lotta inspiration from being around others. Richard is married, high-culture attuned yet scoffs at the arbitrary line between “high” and “low” culture, writes the Blankman List—a monthly list of things to do in NYC—and finds a lotta inspiration from being by himself.
We came together with a twofold goal: to pull the curtain back on how to find and nurture community, and to explore (for ourselves) how we navigate living in NYC against our individual needs for stillness and alone time.
It helps we’ve both been to countless events.
Keep reading if these themes around community, belonging, events, experiences, and things to do in NYC are interesting to you.
Part 1: Solo in NYC
What’s your favorite thing to do alone in NYC?
Allie Hoffman: AllieDate™ nights include stuffing a journal + a New Yorker into a bag, and popping up at a (not insanely expensive) omakase spot savoring each bite of sushi as its offered to me on a tiny plate. Here’s a list of spots that won’t break your budget. Another fave option is to hit Spa 88 or - if I can get in - Bathhouse in w’burg. The altered states / state changes help me realigned.
Richard Blankman: When I’m feeling indulgent, I go to the Barnes & Noble in Union Square and read a book over a slice of Cheesecake Factory cheesecake.
Where do you go to find peace in NYC?
AH: Domino Park. The East River. The West Side Highway. Read: anywhere w space + water. Also, one of my closest friends is a bodyworker and sees people in his home in Greenpoint. His name is Sun and you can learn more HERE. His zen space represents peace + healing for me + my body.
RB: The Met. (The museum, not the opera house.) It’s gigantic, air conditioned, and pay-what-you-wish if you’re a NYC resident. Even during peak hours, some of the less trafficked galleries, like East Asian, Islamic, and contemporary art can be silent.
When have you left your comfort zone in NYC?
AH: The first time I went to a penthouse sex party. And every time since. I joke. Mostly. I’ve got a fear of heights, so any time I go rock climbing at Vital, I hit a fear edge. I once took my team to one of those places where they give you goggles and a sledgehammer and let you break as much as you can in 30 minutes. I didn’t know if I’d be into it. I was. It’s called a “Rage Cage” + you can learn more HERE.
RB: In 2012, my friend wanted to get drinks at a club that no longer exists, XL, in Hell’s Kitchen. Honestly, even going to a nightclub with dancing is already me leaving my comfort zone. It wasn’t until after we were let through and inside that we realized the club was closed to the public that night and we were in the middle of a formal benefit celebrating the life of Marvin Hamlisch…with free catered food and drinks. So for maybe 30 minutes we pretended like we were Broadway elite, scarfed down a free dinner, and then quietly left.
Part 2: Meeting Up in NYC
What’s the best date spot you’ve had in NYC?
AH: I’m a big proponent of ‘simple is better’ when it comes to dating - esp in the early days. At the start - it’s all ’bout getting a feel for the other person - and I like to do that in low lighting, and un-loud spaces. I’m a big fan of sitting at the bar - you can face each other, your legs can touch - it’s actually way better than being across from each other at a table. Karasu is a sushi spot hidden behind another restaurant off Ft. Greene Park, or the back room at Café Select are faves.
RB: Enter the pure chaos of Times Square. Sweat and bump up against hundreds of tourists while you find your way to the theater. Find yourself suddenly face-to-face with majestic architecture, lush carpets, and crystal chandeliers. Then let darkness and silence give way to an art form that pre-dates movies even existing. It never gets old to me.
What’s the worst date spot you’ve had in NYC?
AH: Not sure it was a ‘date’ - but a guy friend who wanted more chose to have a real deep n meaningful chat in Tompkins Square Park on a Sunday in the late afternoon. While he was earnestly sharing his romantic feelings, someone peed and another person puked in front of us.
RB: I’m a firm believer that it’s not what you do, it’s who is there with you. That said, I deserve a few eye rolls for calling Times Square the “best date spot.” Broadway shows are special and important, and they are one of my favorite date spots for me and my husband of four years. But I have also seen a lot of troubled souls among the sea of humanity outside the theater. (And occasionally inside.) Times Square is loud, chaotic, and a miserable idea for a first date.
Where do you commonly go today to hang out with friends?
AH: this is a super boring response - but we really do hang out in each other’s homes the most. To answer this accurately, I went back thru my calendar to see where we go - and time and time again - it was each other’s homes. That being said, tonight I’m taking a group to Dinner Party BK which is a vibe - 6 women came together to create a pop up dinner series and it’s affordable. Reason #876548 to love NYC.
RB: I’m a big fan of a leisurely meal out somewhere. Some of my favorite places to eat in the city are Chavela’s in Crown Heights and the Breads Bakery near Lincoln Square. I also think pretty much every one of my friends in the city has gotten a text along the lines of, “Hey, I won the lottery for [insert Broadway show] tomorrow night. Are you interested?” My favorite pre-show meals are probably Chipotle and Shake Shack.
Part 3: Community in NYC
What is the most successful event that you have ever attended?
AH: My friend Will Etundi threw a Halloween party in a mansion in Queens over a weekend in 2018, called it ‘you are so lucky’ and somehow got *everyone* to abide the dress code. It was wild. Full teleportation to another time + place. An unforgettable night. He’s actually back at it, alas you don’t gotta go to Queens - he’s gotten a space in Manhattan, and he’s created a fall lineup of incredible programming - talks, salon series, parties - learn more HERE.
RB: There’s a lot of ways to interpret this question, but when the FRIENDS Experience pop-up (i.e., from the TV show) first opened mid-pandemic, it was only for a limited time and tickets sold out immediately. I managed to score a pair, and it became one of the earliest indoor events that my husband and I went out and did. Since then, the pop-up has become permanent. Tickets aren’t coveted anymore, but it has a place in my heart.
What events have you gone to multiple times while living in NYC?
AH: My friends created Daybreaker, a sober morning dance party that takes inspiration from Burning Man. They do a lot to cultivate community + belonging - so if you’re in search of those - GO! I go to any events my friend Will Etundi creates (see above). My friend Kae created House of Yes, and the community they’ve cultivated is incredible, as are the experiences. Experimental and performance and consent-forward to the max.
RB: At one point, I had gone to the Metropolitan Museum of Art so many times that I had started to memorize gallery numbers and make custom tours for friends—tours like Monsters of the Met, Forbidden Art of the Met, and Medicine at the Met. The one tour I never made but still hope to one day: Punctuation at the Met. (They have so many books, scrolls, etc.!) Though the museum is pay-what-you-wish for NYC residents (among other categories), you can guiltlessly reserve a free pass through Culture Pass.
How have you found your “tribe” in this city?
AH: Back in 2012 when I moved to NYC, I had a best friend / older sister figure in a woman named Vanessa Wruble, and she insisted I go to Burning Man. On top of that, while I was living in Cambodia, friends had gotten swept up in a conference series turned community called Summit. Those 2 overlays - Summit + Burning Man - put me in connection with hundreds of NY’ers who shared my values and saw the world the same. I’ve had a lot of those friends since. Summit in particular has tons of ways to jump in and start building community.
RB: My best friend once called me a “quiet extrovert.” I love my alone time and do not feel obliged to always be going out or doing something. But I also say yes a lot and find myself at events and parties that can be foreign or uncomfortable. That’s where I meet friends-of-friends who, over time, sometimes just become friends. In an earlier question, I mentioned that many of my friends get occasional texts that say, “I just won the lottery for [insert Broadway show]. Would you like to come?” My tribe are the ones who say yes.
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